The Gospel is the Answer

BiblicalPersonal

Jul 12

Written By Megan Holt

// April 17, 2020 //

MOM (n): A provider. A caregiver. A source of wisdom, love, and forgiveness. And FUN. Can’t forget fun 😉

Examples of Mom in a sentence: I am going to be a mom!!!!!! To a little baby BOY!

This has obviously caused me to feel many things. The thing I feel most? Thankful. I feel so thankful. I have always wanted to be a mommy. For kindergarten graduation, we were asked to dress up as what we wanted to be when we grew up. And what did I choose? A mom.

I think I felt my baby move a little this week. Little flutters in my tummy. I can’t help but tear up and smile just writing that!

I also feel excitement. I am thrilled to pick out cute little clothes, to learn to nurse my baby, to know him, and to watch him learn and grow. I can’t wait to see his personality, and, hopefully, for him to know my Jesus. And really just to smooch his chunky cheeks! (I assume they will be chunky. Read on to see that both Mac and I were chunky babes. Ha!)

I am so excited to see my sweetheart as his daddy, and I hope and pray that our little boy is just like him. It brings tears to my eyes to think about. I pray he has Mac’s blue eyes, his patience, his tender heart, his gentle and strong spirit, and his servant-heart.

The thing is, though, and I am sure this is normal, I also feel fear. If you’ve read any of my blog posts the last few years, though they are few and far in between, you would know, fear is something I struggle with. Especially when there is change. And, if you have noticed, I typically write these posts when something big is happening or changing.

Well. I am having a baby. Things are changing. 😉

I am afraid that I will not be a good enough mama for my baby boy. Now, hear me out (read me out?). I KNOW that Jesus will equip me. I am confident that He will use my failures to teach my kids, and my apologies to teach them what a repentant heart looks like. I am confident that will help show off how powerful Jesus’ forgiveness is. I know this. I really do. But sometimes, I still can’t shake that little voice that whispers that I will not be enough. No, that I am not enough.

When I think about parenting and specific situations, I am not afraid. I know it will be hard sometimes. I know I will be tired. I know I will cry. And I know it will be okay!

But for some reason, when there is change, I always come back to the age-old question: “Am I good enough?” It’s not a circumstantial question. It’s an identity question. Every little mistake I make tells me that I will not be a good enough mom for my kid. It’s not logical, and it’s not true. It’s not even rooted in things that differentiate a good mom from a bad mom! (Seriously, how will accidentally knocking over some water make me a bad mom?) But, to my flesh, any failure at all piles up to show me that I am not good enough, and, in turn, I will not be a good enough mom.

I despise that I feel this way, but I want to be honest. I want to be honest with myself, to Mac, and to God. I don’t want my sin and my fears to be buried. After all, sin feeds on isolation and darkness. I must get this into the light if I want to be free of it. Maybe once and for all, but probably I will need to bring it into the light and give it to Jesus over and over and over.

So where do I go when I know I am hearing and believing lies? What do I do?

I turn to Truth. I cling to it.

I CLING TO THE GOSPEL MESSAGE.

When I am afraid I have failed, I repeat to myself that, yes, I am a sinner. I need a Savior. And I have one. Jesus did not leave me in my failures, but He died for me, He rose for me, and He made me white as snow. There is therefore now NO condemnation in Christ Jesus. My sins are spread as far as the east is from the west. What joy and freedom there is in this!

I am not worthless. I am not a failure. And I am NOT “not good enough”. I have to put my identity back in place, since that is what has broken in my mind. My identity is Christ. My identity is the Gospel.

And then I pray. I pray that my whole life would show the Gospel.

AND, FURTHERMORE, I PRAY THAT MY PARENTING WOULD SHOW THE GOSPEL.

May I NEVER make Mommy seem perfect. Wiser? Ready to discipline and guide? Sure. But I am not God. May my heart be ready to apologize when I mess up, so that my kids would see what it means to be human. May I live out what it means to be repentant, to forgive, and to be sanctified one step at a time.

Lord, equip me to help my kids see when they are wrong. I pray they would WANT to repent and run from their sin. That they would be honest. I pray they would ask for forgiveness and believe it when they are. I pray they would see who You are and want to be like You. May my encouragement, discipline, and forgiveness always point to You and the Gospel message. And may my relationship with Mac show them what a healthy marriage is—an earthly marriage, as well as the marriage between Christ and the Church.

It breaks my heart that my kids might struggle with fear and their identity, as I do. But I know that whether they get a struggle from me or not, they will have SOMETHING that they struggle with. We are all humans born into a broken world. I take comfort in the fact that I do not need to be perfect or enough to be a good mom. Jesus makes me enough. Jesus washes me white as snow. He equips me. And when I fall short, my Jesus is enough for my kids.

I release my fear to Him. And I release my baby boy to Him. He loves him more, he knows him better, and I pray that he is drawing him to Himself even now.

I love my baby more than words can even say. I just want to be a good mom. I know that worrying and stressing and living in anxiety is not the answer.