Prisoner of Hope
On September 22, 1862, something BIG happened. Do you know what it is?
An important man picked up a quill and dipped it into ink. I can almost hear the screeching of the quill on the paper as I imagine Abe signed his signature oh so carefully.
On September 22, 1862, President Abraham Lincoln signed the preliminary Emancipation Proclamation. It went into effect January 1, 1863, and at that moment, every slave in the Confederacy was legally free.
However, the news did not spread as quickly as it would have today. This legal document made no difference in the lives of many slaves until soldiers carried the Proclamation to the people. While the people were free, they were blind to it and were living as if they were not.
Here’s where I make the connection to life today. How often do I live as though I am in slavery to sin when I, in fact, have been set free?
OH, IT IS FOR FREEDOM CHRIST HAS SET US FREE. HOW SWEET ARE THOSE WORDS. HOW POWERFUL ARE THOSE WORDS.
And yet how many times do I take my chains and wrap myself up in them like a blanket, asking God why He feels distant, asking Him why I’m not changing?
I think some of this is due to my own blindness and some is due to my pride. While it was probably extremely evident to others (particularly my family and husband), I did not realize how often I was (and am) seized by my own fear.
My fear, worries, and anxieties come in many shapes and sizes, but I think they are all rooted in this one: the fear of not being enough.
One of the most terrifying things to me is an empty schedule. “What if I don’t do enough?” my soul whispers. What if I am not enough?
Then what, will I fail? Will I be unloved? I have already addressed legalism in myself and know I cannot earn anything from God. I know successes and failures are not rooted in what I do, but Who I know. So, I say a quick prayer, trying to hold onto truth, but the fear sinks deeper into my soul.
This is not to say I don’t strive to trust Christ and put everything into perspective. I know my God is in control! He gives me lots of victories! But this is a BIG chain in my life, and I don’t think I’ve given Him the whole burden. Honestly, I think it will take a lifetime of Him wrestling me and chipping away at my heart. (And really, fear is a common theme for us humans. God has to remind us over 365 times in the Bible to “fear not”!)
I BEG Him to keep wrestling me, just like He did Jacob, until all I see is His glory, majesty, and hope.
Here’s the thing about asking this. While I have more to celebrate as Christ delivers me, I also must wrestle with my own pride. Because the more I see Jesus, the more He opens my eyes to my sin. The more He makes me righteous, the more my unrighteousness stands out. It tempts me to crawl back to wallowing in “I am not enough”, instead of shouting from the rooftops “my GOD is enough!”
I am currently going through Beth Moore’s study, “Breaking Free”. In it, she says, “A Christian is held captive by anything that hinders the abundant and effective Spirit-filled life God has planned…” (emphasis added) She walks through Isaiah, showing the obstacles and formula to freedom. She begins over the first few weeks discussing the 5 benefits to our relationship with God, as well as the obstacles to those benefits.
While early on I recognized my chains as fear or anxiety, it took my until the obstacle weeks to recognize the gravity of it.
My soul began to ache and cry out along with the father in Mark 9. “Lord I believe!” I believe you can do anything! I believe you can completely free me! “HELP ME IN MY UNBELIEF!”
You see, these last few weeks, my soul has been aching. Don’t get me wrong, these last few weeks have been the very happiest and most joyful of my life. Getting married to Mac was the happiest day of my life. I believe God was truly glorified – I am continually brought to tears in the beautiful, awesome gift that we get to be a symbol of Christ and the church. What an honor that is! And what an honor that God is allowing me to experience that with my very best friend. These last few weeks have been absolutely perfect in many respects – wonderful friends and family, a perfect wedding day, a relaxing honeymoon together in Mexico, and even the sweetness of getting to take care of each other extremely sick after Mexico.
But even in the middle of that, even in the middle of so much joy, so much love, so much sweet time with my husband, and a wedding day dedicated to God’s glory, I let my personal time with Jesus slide away. This crept up on me. I felt that soul-ache a person gets when they feel distant from God.
I wanted to serve Him, but didn’t know the best way. I wanted to trust Him, but I couldn’t figure out what was in the way of that. It is the emptiest feeling to feel distant from God. I NEVER want to be there. I asked Him to show me what to do.
HE ALWAYS HEARS THAT PRAYER.
The first answer, He showed me, was to simply be with Him.
The second thing, which I am dedicating this post to, is that my fear is holding me captive from the “abundant and effective Spirit-filled life God has planned” for me. I was allowing myself to sit in my fear and anxiety, unable to shake it, even of the silliest things. I was unable to shake the small voice telling me I might not be enough for Mac, enough for myself, enough for my job, or enough for God.
I was allowing myself to be a prisoner of fear.
ENOUGH OF THIS, my soul cries. ENOUGH of living as a prisoner of fear.
It is for FREEDOM Christ has set us free.
Instead of clinging to fear, and allowing it to sit in my stomach when I push it from my mind, I must actively choose hope.
John 8:36 – So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed
Philippians 1:6 – And I am sure of this, that He who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ
Isaiah 57:15 – For thus says the One who is high and lifted up, who inhabits eternity, whose name is Holy: I dwell in the high and holy place, and also with him who is a contrite and lowly spirit, to revive the spirit of the lowly, and to revive the heart of the contrite
Isaiah 43:19 – Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.
Revelation 21:4 – He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.
Jesus has set me FREE. He began chipping away my pride, selfishness and fear, and He will finish and bring it to completion. When I humble myself and let Him work on and in me, He dwells with me and He revives me. He makes a way for me in the hard places and, in the end, He will be VICTORIOUS!
NOW THAT IS HOPE!
Oh, Lord, let me be a prisoner to your hope, and not to my fear.
Let my heart not just choose hope, but be a prisoner to it. Let me crave it and let my mind think on it. Let it settle in my soul, in my stomach, and in my bones. “Take every thought captive to obey [You].” (2 Corinthians 10:5)
Wrestle with me, God. Wrestle with me when I pick up the wrong chains of fear until I pick up the freeing bonds of hope.
For although wrestling sounds a little painful, “sometimes the blessing is in the wrestling, because though we are wounded, we ache to see the face of God.”
Oh, God, I ache to see your face!
That last quote is from Katie Davis Major’s book, “Daring to Hope”. In it, she talks abouthow she became a prisoner of hope amidst the wrestling. She says, “To be a prisoner of hope is to be the freest of all because we look at our circumstances and expect Jesus to enter in and redeem, renew, and restore.”
And, my friends, Jesus DOES redeem, renew, and restore.
The other day, I felt the burden of my fear like I haven’t in a long, long time. My eyes were opened. It is just too much to bear. I got down on my knees and begged God to take my chains. I sobbed at the feet of my Father, repenting and humbling myself from the great offense of my whole hope not being in Him. And He ANSWERED. He redeemed, renewed, and restored. He spoke truth and hope into my heart.
This verse kept coming to my head: “But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” (Isaiah 40:31, NIV)
My heart was soaring on wings like eagles, and my soul was bursting with gladness once more. I sang worship songs to my Father, to my King, on my knees, then on my feet, then jumping for joy that He DELIVERS us.
Over and over and over, He delivers.
Beth Moore said, “Humbling ourselves before God means bowing before His majesty.” I bowed, and He dwelled with me and revived my spirit.
It is for FREEDOM Christ has set me free.
I am sure I will not feel this victory this strongly every minute of every day. But when I don’t, God, I beg You to wrestle me so that I ache to see Your face. So that I despise being distant from You. So that I rush to bow before Your majesty, allow You to revive me, and take my position as prisoner of hope.
God is asking me to step out on the waters of this broken world and my fears and failures. Sometimes He will split the sea so I can walk right through it. Sometimes He will hold my hand and miraculously help me to walk on the water if my eyes are fixed on Him.
Do I trust Him? Do I BELIEVE He is worthy of my hope?
Yes, Lord! Let my Kingdoms fall! Help me die to self! You are victorious! You are King! You are Holy! You are enthroned above all! You are powerful! “You drown my fears in perfect love. You rescued me so I will stand and sing I AM A CHILD OF GOD!!!”
I am a child of God and a prisoner of hope, and I choose to stay there.